Relief to the utmost.

It's just not fair that I leave whoever might happen upon this blog with "I woke up sad today" for such a long time. My life is very different nowadays. I'm a nurse now, officially. Passed my boards. Have yet to work at a real job, though. I live across the country. It feels temporary, and perhaps it is, in a slow sort of way.

Coffee shop hunting. It's going okay, but there's nothing like the Rooster yet. Perhaps you just never know what ya got till it's gone. Although, I haven't visited any on their live music nights. I think I need to do that this week.

NO SCHOOL! I saw a school bus in late August and felt that panicky, dreadful clause in my gut: "back to school". What a relief when I remembered that it isn't true. It just isn't true.

Rocking a crying baby until he falls asleep. Satisfying. Connecting with another soul.

Driving in chaos. I didn't think it could be as bad as everybody says it is. But not having a GPS is a bugger, let me tell you.

Sight-seeing. Thomas lives near DC, so we walk to monuments sometimes. We try to find skyscrapers where you can overlook the city.

Cleaning. Cooking. Baking. You should see my newly discovered mad food skills. I knew I liked it, but I didn't know I liked it a lot. I surely didn't know I was good at it. I haven't made a flop for my family yet. I don't think they understand why I'm surprised every time something tastes good. I'll let you in on it: I've never really done this before.

I'm in this relationship. We help each other with life. We have fun, even doing the dumbest things. I'm Katie as much as it's possible to be Katie around him. It's like being in a room with the TV blasting, screaming children, dishes clanging, people trying to hear one another above the uncontrollable noise. It's putting you on edge in the worst way. Then you walk outside and shut the door behind you. This friendship - it's just like it is right then. You hear something that brings the life back into your drained soul: nothing. You involuntarily breathe the relief deep into your lungs and rest for a moment. You think of God. You love Him so much. That's sort of what it's like to be with him, doing life. I'll be transparent. There are a few things I feel. Can't help it. I can't help feeling like the carpet is going to be pulled out from underneath me, like before. It's not rational, but there it is. I can't help wanting to be around him forever, but the M word still freaks me out. I suppose it's just not quite time. It might be soon. It might be a whaze off. Is that a word? Whaze? Ways. Awaze. How far is a whaze, anyway? "Oh, it's a whaze."

Speaking of being freaked out, I've been anxious lately. I think it might have something to do with everything in my life changing drastically. I have a friend who says women have a thing about control. And other people would probably say it's not a woman thing. Either way, I don't have any. It's all up in the air. I've interviewed at three places. My last choice gave me a job offer a week ago. My first choice just offered me a position yesterday. I think I will accept today or tomorrow.

So, I still don't know anyone here except my family, my boyfriend, and a couple of each of their acquaintances. But I met this guy at church who's about my age. I think next time I see him, I'm going to find out if he hangs out with people. Ha. That's right. I'm going to go up to him and say, "Sooo...do you hang out with people during the week, because I don't know any."

Personified

I'm studying fetal development, chapter 7, which happens to be 35 pages long...

It says that the little one doesn't even look like a baby at first, but like a little lizard. Soon, even at 7 weeks, the little guy starts to look like a person and has the very beginning of all the major things that he will have when he's born. I'm not sure by when, but if he's a she, she even has all the eggs of her future babies inside of her before she is born.

and in all this, I find myself wondering how in the world God, who is so big, can have small enough fingers to formulate these things that go on inside the mother of a little baby. I guess I picture an enlarged version of my dad when I personify God. But I know that if God were my dad, he would never be able to manipulate his fingers in those tiny spaces.

Even with all the intricacies that go on in our bodies and make our eventual three and a half pounds of brains functional, we're still limited in our thinking. We think about things we can't see as though we could see them.

But our development goes beyond birth, even beyond death, and in the end, we will know even as we are fully known and see the unseeable person of God.