Relief to the utmost.

It's just not fair that I leave whoever might happen upon this blog with "I woke up sad today" for such a long time. My life is very different nowadays. I'm a nurse now, officially. Passed my boards. Have yet to work at a real job, though. I live across the country. It feels temporary, and perhaps it is, in a slow sort of way.

Coffee shop hunting. It's going okay, but there's nothing like the Rooster yet. Perhaps you just never know what ya got till it's gone. Although, I haven't visited any on their live music nights. I think I need to do that this week.

NO SCHOOL! I saw a school bus in late August and felt that panicky, dreadful clause in my gut: "back to school". What a relief when I remembered that it isn't true. It just isn't true.

Rocking a crying baby until he falls asleep. Satisfying. Connecting with another soul.

Driving in chaos. I didn't think it could be as bad as everybody says it is. But not having a GPS is a bugger, let me tell you.

Sight-seeing. Thomas lives near DC, so we walk to monuments sometimes. We try to find skyscrapers where you can overlook the city.

Cleaning. Cooking. Baking. You should see my newly discovered mad food skills. I knew I liked it, but I didn't know I liked it a lot. I surely didn't know I was good at it. I haven't made a flop for my family yet. I don't think they understand why I'm surprised every time something tastes good. I'll let you in on it: I've never really done this before.

I'm in this relationship. We help each other with life. We have fun, even doing the dumbest things. I'm Katie as much as it's possible to be Katie around him. It's like being in a room with the TV blasting, screaming children, dishes clanging, people trying to hear one another above the uncontrollable noise. It's putting you on edge in the worst way. Then you walk outside and shut the door behind you. This friendship - it's just like it is right then. You hear something that brings the life back into your drained soul: nothing. You involuntarily breathe the relief deep into your lungs and rest for a moment. You think of God. You love Him so much. That's sort of what it's like to be with him, doing life. I'll be transparent. There are a few things I feel. Can't help it. I can't help feeling like the carpet is going to be pulled out from underneath me, like before. It's not rational, but there it is. I can't help wanting to be around him forever, but the M word still freaks me out. I suppose it's just not quite time. It might be soon. It might be a whaze off. Is that a word? Whaze? Ways. Awaze. How far is a whaze, anyway? "Oh, it's a whaze."

Speaking of being freaked out, I've been anxious lately. I think it might have something to do with everything in my life changing drastically. I have a friend who says women have a thing about control. And other people would probably say it's not a woman thing. Either way, I don't have any. It's all up in the air. I've interviewed at three places. My last choice gave me a job offer a week ago. My first choice just offered me a position yesterday. I think I will accept today or tomorrow.

So, I still don't know anyone here except my family, my boyfriend, and a couple of each of their acquaintances. But I met this guy at church who's about my age. I think next time I see him, I'm going to find out if he hangs out with people. Ha. That's right. I'm going to go up to him and say, "Sooo...do you hang out with people during the week, because I don't know any."

gratitude

I've had a conversation recently with a friend of mine. He said that being grateful changes depressed people to joyful ones. Well, at least he said it worked for him.

I just got done reading a girl's blog. I don't know her, but she commented on here once. Maybe she'll read this. She wrote "26 things I love about my husband." Cause he's turning 26, I guess. Then she got to 26, and realized she couldn't stop there. She wrote 101 more. I guess she couldn't make herself stop at 126 either. And then she said it would keep growing. I read about 60 of them and then thought to myself, "Wow, she is a writer."

But, maybe if I was as happy as she was in her marriage, I would've done the same thing - even being less of a writer. I'll start with 21, since I'm 21 and turning -well, my nephew was born on my half birthday: June 25th - turning 21 and a half and in honor of my newly born nephew. Does he have a middle name yet?

21 (and a half) Things I am thankful for about my life right now.

1) Having a nicely furnished place to live at a really cheap price for the summer.
2) Getting to work in one of the most prestigious hospitals in the world.
3) Having a really great clinical coach who knows a lot and who doesn't hate me when I mess up.
4) Being able to talk to my mom a lot. She makes me feel better.
5) Being able to care tenderly for patients and families of patients who are dying.
6) Knowing what I'm going to wear to work in the morning, slapping it on, and being ready in 25 minutes.
7) Being able to go grocery shopping with my roommate and buy food.
8) Going to church and finding God.
9) Elisabeth Elliot's writings.
10) Friends who think and share their thoughts with me.
11) Heather Burnham, my roommate. I'm not just thankful for buying food with her. I'm thankful for her in general. She knows me pretty well - all of my quirks, and ridiculousness - and she still thinks I'm okay enough to hang out with.
12) Natural peanut butter and milk. and oreos, I guess.
13) This period of my life. It feels new.
14) Emma Katka. and Ruthie Lee. I haven't really talked to them in a long time. I just am thankful for them right now.
15) That the old lady that I meet with back in A-town and miss a lot - Ruth Miller - wrote me a letter.
16) John Steer, that British preacher who has faith and wisdom.
17) The old man that I took care of yesterday who said to me, "I'm so thankful for the way you girls care for me. Thank you so much for being so good to me."
18) Another old man I took care of this weekend who didn't appreciate the cares he was getting at all and got mad when I didn't prepare his bottom teeth just right. He made me appreciate the other guy a lot.
19) My floor at work. I floated yesterday to another floor. It was awful. Things weren't organized or stocked or documented well. Continuity of care was almost impossible with the way that things were set up. My floor rocks!
20) My preceptor who helped me to cope with death.
21) Life. Living and breathing easily and fingers that move and have blood flowing through them. Being able to run and feel the breeze. Reading and learning and being active. I'm thankful that I have life.
uhhh...21.5) Fire o th fou o Ju an th fri th ca t vis m.

conversing

i had a few conversations today, a painful one, one that brought me joy, and one in between.

the painful one: there is something between the us that conversed today - something keeping us apart that is big and impassible. time has passed, and a few conversations have happened, but both have left the degree of feelings undiminished; they haven't changed any of the pain. i cried throughout most of it. i confessed something i could not leave unsaid. i don't like being around this person, because looking at the impassible something between us hurts my eyes. it makes them water in pain. it is too real a reminder of what was and what is no longer.

the next was one with a girl who is my age and is going to get married at the end of the summer. we connect, and it is always fun to catch up with her. we are at very different places in our lives right now, but God is her keeper and mine. In other news, I'm glad I'm not getting married right now. Life seems so bleak there to me right now.

she talked about trying to figure out how to make a relationship work. and it stirred up in me thoughts along those lines. it's hard to make a relationship work. and the wonder is, "why do it, then?" but there's an urgency. there's something bigger than you sometimes pulling you toward someone, and it's unnatural to resist. it subsides with marriage, but hopefully doesn't go away after that. it's such a strange thing. two people who don't think the same or have the same communication or thought patterns end up together.

part of me thinks people should get married young. part of me hates that idea. people should get married young, because desires are so strong; it saves sin. but maybe it just saves it for later when you grow far away from one another and when your heart for the other is lost in time and lack of resources.

i'm glad she's getting married. she wants to be a mom. and her 'career' may be swallowed up by 'mom', but she's okay with that. I think it's likely that her aspirations for life have been wife and mom. I'm happy for her.

Only, I'm not there. i don't want to be swallowed up by wife or mom.

the other conversation lasted longer than both of the others. it was said, "i don't think you should 'end up' with anyone. it should be something you pursue with all your heart to the very last moment of your life."

that statement is a bit of a revelation for me. it makes those elusive next steps clear again. they become foggy so easily.