Sunday, June 25, 2006

Organization of a Girl's Deepest Fears

There is a certain girl who longs for Prince Charming. And while she waits, fears grip her. They try to sink their talons deep inside of her and captivate her so deeply that she is far beyond the reach of liberty.

They do for a time. The fears grip her. They make her hate. They make her doubt. They make her feel worthless. They make her feel unlovable.

1) The first fear is that no Prince Charming actually exists.

I have, for a time, believed the series of lies that this fear whispered to me - the lie that there truly isn't anyone who is worth waiting for.

The series of lies might be best introduced by a man's explanation to me: "It's every man's final goal [to get a girl in the sack]. It's built into us." That every man not only has within him an obsessive desire for sex at some time, but also that every man harbors it and lets his mind violate women while licking his chops and not caring for her in any way. He reduces her to a thing that gives him intense, mindless, brute pleasure. He takes no note of how it makes her feel. And he will never change.

This man makes her feel afraid - like the whole world is unsafe and every man is abusive and longs to lord his hot dragon breath all over her. She feels hate. He has no regard for what lies she considers true: she is nothing more than sexually appetizing. She is repulsive in every other way. If she really wants a man, she must settle for one of these because they are the only type of man that there is.

The fear: all men are only capable of caring about what she is and desires her only sexually. He neither cannot nor does not care about who she is or value her in any other way. There are no good men, only no-good men.

This fear, if harbored, gives her a twisted outlook of the way of things. When she compares herself with him, she seems better, higher, somehow more noble. Her place above him may be due to her vision of herself too high, her vision of him too low, or both.

On the side: I really believe that the whole movement of feminism exists because, at least in part, of this world view. Women, and, for that matter, men also, are, in and of themselves, truly amazing - fearfully and wonderfully made. But because of men like these, women question their own worth. After a battle deep inside themselves, those women recognize a truth - they are worth much more than those men think. They launch a crusade on that truth's behalf demanding due honor and respect. They demand appreciation, but the men in their lives deny that they are anything besides sex appeal (or dishwashers or whatever dimishing lie those men believe). Those men lord their power over them, and those women fight to keep their reputation upstanding. They know no other choice because all around them, there exists the whole male dominated world who refuses to acknowledge their worth. The whole world is against them, and they must fight against it.

2) The second fear is that if Prince Charming, a man that is desirable and does not cultivate lust exists, he will not find or he will not pick me.

These lies I have recently stopped believing still make me shudder:
There are too few Prince Charmings. The ratio of good men to good women is like that of a ballroom dancing scene in Pride and Prejudice, "Men were scarce and many were in want of a partner."
Someone else will captivate him first. I will just be lucky enough to be too late. Or I will be on time, but he will have arrived at the place much too early.
Or we will just miss each other and never know it. A fluke will keep us from walking our destined-crossed paths.
Or I will meet him and recognize that he is Prince Charming. I will know him, but he will not find or take the opportunity to know me. He will be far off, and I will watch longingly as he passes by just out of my reach.
Or we will meet and we will know each other, but he will want something other than everything I possess. He will think that I am repulsive, or, at best, entirely uninteresting. I will not only be rejected, but I will know that he has rejected me and will experience the pain of that rejection.

The fear: good men exist who can both appreciate and desire women , but those good men will never desire or appreciate her.

This fear, if harbored, gives her a twisted outlook of the way of things. When she compares herself with him, he seems better, higher, somehow more noble. His place above her may be due to her vision of herself too low, her vision of him too high, or both.

3) The third fear is that Prince Charming exists, but he will not think that I am desirable.

We will meet and we will know each other. He will think I am interesting. He will appreciate me and make me feel like I am worth something. He will want to be around me. We will share dreams and exchange thoughts. We will be of like mind. Life around him will be wonderful because he will treat me like a precious girl, but I will only be that to him, a precious little girl. Like a sister, or a daughter. He will not want or he will not pursue more.

Some can cope with this. Some can not feel sorrow at this. In fact, I am there in my relationships with many men and even hope for this type of relationship with many more men. But the fear comes with the thought that this will be the only type of relationship I will ever experience - that the other part of me that longs to be desired will always go unsatisfied.

The fear: men appreciate her for all that she is, but will never have any desire for her beyond the realm of friendship.

This fear, if harbored, gives her a twisted outlook of the way of things. However, all unhealthy comparisons are gone. He is at the very place where he should be; she also is. She values him. He values her. But thise type of relationship coupled with hopelessness has the potential to leave a girl feeling quite sad. What if she can only be seen as untouchable to every man all the days of her life?

But this girl is beginning to be freed from those lies. In fact, someone keeps on pursuing her freedom from captivity. He prevails over and over again. He whispers to her regarding her first fear, "Men are evil, but I have redeemed some of them. Some of them look like Me because they have gazed on me. I have taught them how to love." About her second fear, He says to her, "I have created you, my love. You are exquisite. You are lovable. You are beautiful. You are captivating. I take utmost interest in you. Be satisfied with My love. It is satisfying." And her third fear - her third fear is a wonder. He takes special care in revealing to her the truth about her third fear. He gives her someone at just the right time. He gives her one of the men that He has redeemed - one of the ones that look like Him because he has gazed on Him. He gives her someone that He has taught how to love, and He lets him love her. Her creator loves her through him. And He says to her, "You will experience this love. You will not be an old maid forever. I have made one just for you. See?"