Thursday, May 29, 2008


i had a few conversations today, a painful one, one that brought me joy, and one in between.

the painful one: there is something between the us that conversed today - something keeping us apart that is big and impassible. time has passed, and a few conversations have happened, but both have left the degree of feelings undiminished; they haven't changed any of the pain. i cried throughout most of it. i confessed something i could not leave unsaid. i don't like being around this person, because looking at the impassible something between us hurts my eyes. it makes them water in pain. it is too real a reminder of what was and what is no longer.

the next was one with a girl who is my age and is going to get married at the end of the summer. we connect, and it is always fun to catch up with her. we are at very different places in our lives right now, but God is her keeper and mine. In other news, I'm glad I'm not getting married right now. Life seems so bleak there to me right now.

she talked about trying to figure out how to make a relationship work. and it stirred up in me thoughts along those lines. it's hard to make a relationship work. and the wonder is, "why do it, then?" but there's an urgency. there's something bigger than you sometimes pulling you toward someone, and it's unnatural to resist. it subsides with marriage, but hopefully doesn't go away after that. it's such a strange thing. two people who don't think the same or have the same communication or thought patterns end up together.

part of me thinks people should get married young. part of me hates that idea. people should get married young, because desires are so strong; it saves sin. but maybe it just saves it for later when you grow far away from one another and when your heart for the other is lost in time and lack of resources.

i'm glad she's getting married. she wants to be a mom. and her 'career' may be swallowed up by 'mom', but she's okay with that. I think it's likely that her aspirations for life have been wife and mom. I'm happy for her.

Only, I'm not there. i don't want to be swallowed up by wife or mom.

the other conversation lasted longer than both of the others. it was said, "i don't think you should 'end up' with anyone. it should be something you pursue with all your heart to the very last moment of your life."

that statement is a bit of a revelation for me. it makes those elusive next steps clear again. they become foggy so easily.