I couldn't talk about it for a while, because it felt like failure. I couldn't get any vitality from the PICU. I couldn't learn to cope with those kids. I used to hear people say, "I could never do that" about various things. And I always thought they were being silly. Of course you could. But I'm there now. I could never do that without losing myself. I wouldn't be I anymore.
When I was out and about and I saw a little one, my heart would be crushed. It was too easy to think about how he or she could be in the PICU in a blink. It was too easy to sense their vitality and remember where it's not. It was too easy to know exactly what that little one would look like in the PICU.
Sometimes staying happy is a battle. Depression is the enemy, and canons of isolation and accusations are densely packed. It's been that way for me lately. I've gotten some ammo of my own, though.
- Always have something planned for Monday morning. A walk with another woman is a good option.
- Be bold about helping people. Don't think. Just do it.
- Meet with people. My Beth Moore Bible Study Group has been my salvation.
- Don't go to bed sad.
