Tuesday, September 29, 2009

in spite of unknown

I have found myself happening upon books that speak life right into my current situations. Perhaps it is the Spirit's way of exemplifying this thought, expressed by my latest author-addiction, Medeleine L'Engle.
There are many times when the idea that there is a indeed a pattern seems absurd wishful thinking. Random events abound. There is much in life that seems meaningless. And then, when I can see no evidence of meaning, some glimpse is given which reveals the strange weaving of purposefulness and beauty."
The weaving has been strange. It's all culminating a little bit, but it's certainly strange. I mean how things that seemed meaningless just fall together so perfectly, but we're not allowed to see it sometimes. We're not allowed to see it until it's all put together or sometimes we see it not at all, like the saints in Hebrews 11.
There has been a lot out of my control lately. Losing control sometimes feels like danger and fear - those dreams when you're going down the highway, and suddenly your brakes go out. Sometimes it feels like freedom and exhilaration - those dreams when you're suddenly weightless and flying free. Sometimes it feels like both.
I find myself caught up right now in the idea of reading things which have already taken place, because there's an element of control about it. My thoughts have been accompanied by a good book: Two-Part Invention, an autobiography of sorts by the aforementioned author.
I think I should take note to mention something of the present: a black man is sitting two tables down from me in this huge county library. He is snoring intermittently. And that is that.
Back to the book. In the first part of two, Madeleine tells historically - her childhood and growing up times, her husband's, and their courtship. The second is being written as the story unfolds. She writes of the Unknown she is feeling now, as she writes. Part I, where Unknown had no place, is suddenly specifically more appealing to me. Isn't it true that reflection of the past is the only place where Unknown begins to fade? No, there must be some other place, but I can't think of it now. I just mean that history offers a sense of control. No, I cannot change the past, but I can deal with it, and that's real power. She says, "What one has had, as long as there is life and reason in one's body, can never be taken away." That's power. What has happened will not change. Conversely, you can't deal with something you've never seen before. You can't know if you're going to be okay after Unknown becomes Known. You can't know if you're going to be able to find peace and happiness again after Unknown becomes Known. Everything you have can be taken from you.
Oh, the answer is trust in spite of
Just trust in spite of


J. Holo said...

"I cannot change the past, but I can deal with it, and that's real power."
Boy, it sure is, isn't it. I feel exactly the same way. I think of the Proverbs 31 woman.... that verse where it describes her as someone who "smiles at the future." And I think, can I smile at the future like I smile at the past? Like the best friend(s) you mentioned in your last post. What a gift. There's joy in that memory. Can I believe I'll have more and perhaps even better memories in the future?
And can I trust God enough that I feel that freedom and weightlessness more than the fear and anxiety? I'm trying to. Best of luck in your efforts as well.

kt said...

J, I keep remembering the scripture you mentioned, "smiles at the future." It stirs me to trust. Thanks.