A Possibilities Girl

Possibilities are sometimes more real to me than reality. And so in this world, where perfect possibilities and undashed dreams fail incessantly to come to pass, there is a deep, overwhelming sadness.

But I think the sadness swells from other rooms flooded with some lies.

Things proposterous like, "My sin is greater than everyone else's, so God shouldn't forgive me."
Things proposterous like, "I'm so bad, God's arm is too short to save me."

It's really a pride thing when everything unboils itself to the raw truth. "What makes you so great, kt, that you are capable of outpowering God's grace?"

Do you ever feel like God's just asking you all these questions? I feel like that lately. So often, we ask Him all the questions, but have you ever thought that perhaps He is asking you just as many questions?

"What are you going to do with this huge house I have given to you to take care of? How will you manage it? What else can I entrust you with?"

"What do you think about this topic that I have 'coincidentally' brought to your attention (Makes me chuckle to think of God using 'quotation marks')? How are you going to pan through this in your mind?"

"Are you going to rebel against me in this place?"

"Are you ready to skip a grade in this school? Can we move on to more important things?"

Oh! How I long to be faithful! And even here, this possibility is often dashed to pieces, only, His grace is real. The possibility of someone completely loving and beautiful is one that is truly fulfilled. And unity with Him will be accomplished in full one day.

Oh, That Day!

A Journal Entry from August 31, 2005

"...this world is not my Home, and I can think of nothing sadder or more melancholy than the evidence of this wretched existence away from my Hope's fulfillment.

"But One Day."

The gospel is true. Here's how I know.

* There is a God. He is real. The world shouts of Him as an incredible Designer. Without Him, we wouldn’t live because He gives life to us.
* He came as a man, Jesus Christ. He lived and died as God. He wasn’t just a man; otherwise the world as it is wouldn’t make sense. Spiritual beings yield to Him. History was altered because of Him. People change completely in relationship with Him. And He desires intimacy with me. As I draw near to Him, He draws near to me. I know only by experience. He and I can be close so long as I seek closeness. He is a personal God, but I can only know Him as a personal God as I draw near to Him.
* There is heaven. Our Spirits, renewed by Christ, long for it completely. We have a desire in us for an ultimate utopia- peace, a world without hate and destruction. We long for it from the very core of our beings.
* From the very core of me, I am junk. It doesn’t matter how well my mother raised me, I still have a monster that lives inside of me longing for everything my way and for the world to bow down and worship me. Laugh at my jokes. Think I am wonderful. No matter who suffers, all must think that I am wonderful. Push others down, kt, so that you can be built up! Drown them. No matter how hard I try to stifle it, without Christ, it comes out, pushing its way through the surface of existence. Crowding out charity and benevolence. There are moments when it rests, but not for long. My selfishness always resurfaces in varying degrees for varying lengths of time without Him. And as it is, if there is some sort of perfect world after this one is over, I can’t be there. I need a Redeemer.
* And, if Jesus really is God- if He really lived, died, and rose again from the dead, then He must hold the key to my redemption. If He beat death by dying and then living, then in Him is hope.
* And so the story is. I am covered over by the blood of One who overcame death. Why would I rejoice in His blood and death? But His resurrection follows! It is the symbol of the foreshadowing reality that He conquered the stuff in me that keeps me from perfection.

And something deep inside me calls out, “This God is more real than anything you have ever laid eyes on.”

Do you ever just feel sad and that's all?

As I sit here "studying", I get sidetracked easily. My mind just needs to know. I'm learning, but not the test material; and part of me wishes I could just learn without tests.

But no matter, the thoughts that strike me tonight are ones of longing. All of them. And all of them about different things. Longing for the people I love to stop making stupid decisions. Longing for the Lord Jesus. Longing for unity with Him. When I won't have to look at Him through this dark glass, but see Him face to face.

There is a certain thing that I eagerly expect. It might be the one thing I don't ever question. It's so deeply ingrained in me- whether taught or not, I do not know - that I cannot deny it for more than a moment. It is the hope that there is more to this life than what we see now. If this is the end, nothing makes sense. Evil, hunger, pain, sorrow, breakups, people crushing others beneath their feet...I question all those. I question God's justice there. I question my beliefs. I question everything I have always known. But I cannot question the hope of Heaven. I may forget about it for a time, but when it enters my mind, there is no turning back. There is Heaven. There is resolution. There is beauty beneath all the drudgery.
I don't know what Heaven will be like. I know that it won't be most of the things that we picture it being; we simply can't fathom complete goodness. Even our best thoughts of what good entails are tainted by a mind that sees dimly. But as I try to ponder the unponderable, I feel at home.

Resolution. No more battles. No more struggle. No more.

My heart longs with the very deepest longing for the fulfillment of the hope of heaven.